I have something to tell you. It’s not going to be easy, but I will do my best.
Since the end of last year, I’ve been undergoing a profound (at times unbelievable) personal, spiritual, and psychological transformation. It is something that spontaneously began happening to me, not something I chose or initiated. I’ve kept the details of this process extremely private; only sharing discretely with close friends and family. Sharing this intensely personal and sacred experience publicly is very vulnerable for me. In my estimation, openly disclosing this will open me to judgment, concern, criticism, and disbelief. Despite all of that, the time has come for me to begin owning this aspect of myself in a public forum.
I’ve been undergoing something known in spiritual circles as a kundalini awakening. The closest concept we have for someone experiencing this phenomenon is a mystic. That’s what I’ve become. Kundalini (a term derived from ancient Indian scriptures) is life force spiritual energy. We all have it – it’s what makes us, and all other sentient beings, alive. In some circumstances, this energy can “awaken.” From a conceptual perspective, once this energy awakens, its main purpose is to burn through all aspects of ego and conditioning, bringing the person into spiritual alignment in preparation for enlightenment. It is a life-long process, at times slow moving, at times extremely intense, and often a powerful combination of bliss and pain.
The symptoms of this experience vary tremendously from person to person. For me it manifested in spontaneous trance states, psychic phenomenon, high states of consciousness, physical contortions (known as “kriyas”), intense surges of spiritual energy, tremendous psychological and emotional upheavals, states of divine love and bliss, insights of universal wisdom, and interactions with divinity. The symptoms were most intense at the outset, but still continue today, fluctuating each day from very subtle to extremely challenging.
For the first few months I was very nervous. The symptoms were debilitating, and left me unable to function at all. Being unable to describe any of what was happening to me or why, I became fairly certain that I was losing my mind. I didn’t know if what was happening to me was a mystical thing or the onset of schizophrenic psychosis. The only comfort was a quiet intuitive knowing inside asking me to trust this process and allow it to unfold. (Also helpful was the fact that most of my symptoms didn’t really fit the descriptions of schizophrenia or any other mental disorders). The energy demands different forms of surrender (physical, psychological, emotional) which was, at times, difficult to comprehend or access.
There is, historically, a lot of secrecy and mystery surrounding these rare awakenings. It is believed that these events are so sacred, so deeply personal, so impossible to convey or comprehend that they must not be talked about. There are no social or cultural reference points for this particular experience. The mystical traditions of most religions (kabbalah, sufism, gnosticism, etc.) offer theoretical guidance and descriptions of this phenomenon, but for our present state of social consciousness, there isn’t much applicable practical instruction of what to do once the energy awakens. I consider myself very lucky that my awakening came on in relatively mild form. For others, this energy has wreaked havoc and years of incredible suffering.
After fruitlessly searching for teachers or gurus that could provide support, I found a small group (on facebook of all places) of people all over the world going through different stages of a similar awakening. It was a great relief for me to find comfort and belonging among them; and to know that I’m not crazy (or if I am crazy, then at least I’m in good loving company). Among this group of people I met an incredible man who has become my best friend and partner. Together we have entered into a spiritual union exploring and navigating this process together. We are being taught about true unconditional love, acceptance, healing, sacred sexuality, and spiritual growth. (I will share more of his story and some of our experiences later).
I will continue to share details, experiences, knowledge, and wisdom as this process continues to unfold for me. I welcome any questions in the comments or through private messages. Please understand that I hold these experiences as sacred; it is incredibly difficult to discuss these things publicly. I don’t need a pat on the back for my courage, just compassion on your part. While I’m happy to answer any questions I can, I reserve the right not to respond to any messages that are negative in tone or intention.
Sending you all lots of love and gratitude. Thank you for reading.