The last few years of my life have been an amazing, mostly unbelievable, often terrifying, and incredibly thrilling journey; waking from unconsciousness, fear, judgment, suffering, and egoic-conditioning, and moving towards self-love, conscious awareness, authenticity, forgiveness, acceptance, compassion and surrender.
My personal intention for this site is that it serve as a catalog of the thoughts, experiences, and resources I’ve been collecting as I go. I hope they are helpful to those who might feel (as I often have) like they are wandering around in the darkness.
Here’s the thing – I’m not a writer. I have no proper training in writing, and no interest in learning to be better at it. (It’s terrible, but true). When I’m writing, I imagine that I’m speaking to you, and that rarely translates well onto the page. Sometimes my words meander all over the place. Sometimes my grammar and structure leave much to be desired, I know. My only real excuse (aside from a terribly insufficient primary education) is that English wasn’t my first language. I’m not sure how far that gets me… More honestly, I never took the time to work on my writing, and I still don’t feel like it.
But there is something within that keeps asking me to write and share the things I’m learning and experiencing. I often struggle with the question of whether it’s appropriate to write about deeply sacred and personal things (I sometimes fear that it’s just vanity), but the answer from within is always in the affirmative. Some of the posts come to me, in ready-made paragraphs in my mind, and it feels as though I’m just transcribing them. I take that as a sign that the content is asking to be shared. Other posts serve as tools or practice resources for my instruction work with others. There’s not much organizational planning of this website, I’m afraid. You’ll just have to bear with me.
Here’s an ever-growing short background story on how I got here:
A few years ago, living a rather normal life, I suddenly experienced a very intense spiritual awakening. The details of the story were stupendous and incredible when they first occurred, but now, deeply embedded in the spiritual community, they are pretty standard fare. Basically, sitting in a park, under a tree, I was listening to some podcasts, and they did something to my mind and poof! Out of nowhere… Awakening! What followed was an entire week of divine love and bliss, and incredible insights into universal wisdom and truth.
After coming back down to earth, it felt as if something opened for me that could no longer be closed. Everything was different; and I could no longer go back to the life I was living. I felt compelled to follow this calling to something I didn’t fully understand or appreciate at the time. The prevailing feeling wasn’t that I had discovered something new (which technically I had), but that I had finally finally remembered what I was here to do. Suddenly, like an incredible cascade, all the events of my life (the good and especially the bad) made absolute sense, and I knew that I had found the thing my soul was yearning for all along. What that “thing” was exactly was yet to be determined, but I was certain I had found it. And so off I went on my journey of discovery.
Um, I should clarify – I didn’t exactly “go on a journey of discovery” the way other people use that phrase. I uprooted my entire life, discarding absolutely everything and everyone else, and dedicated myself exclusively, full time, day and night, to spiritual work and study. Some called this extreme, some called it insane, but I didn’t care. I knew what was real and true for me, and I knew that I wouldn’t be happy unless I pursued it fully; so, to everyone’s utter dismay, that’s exactly what I did.
As I began to devour all the various esoteric and spiritual traditions (all of which technically teach the same things in different ways), that feeling of remembering or knowing guided me at every turn. I investigated and implemented one practice after another, trying them on, as it were, to see what would be most effective. There was a ferocious forward momentum moving me inward, and with each step the inner knowing told me, in no uncertain terms, which practices and tools to keep and which to discard. (Spiritual and contemplative practices are not all created equal – some work to further real discovery and healing, and while others keep a person stuck, or worse yet, spinning in circles without result. I was very very lucky to be guided as I was, and I try to pass that knowledge and discernment onto to other authentic practitioners.)
If you poke around some of the posts and pages here, you’ll find basically an assortment of toltec, buddhist, tao, zen, shamanic, stoic, hermetic, new age, gnostic, kaballistic, sufi, and shaiva tantric teachings, practices, and ideas. The essential universal commonalities were some of the primary foundations upon which I built my spiritual house. Later, the teachings and practices left the established or traditionally organized sphere, and began arriving directly by revelation…
After several years of intense practice, a year-long apprenticeship in shamanism, and deep (deep!) inner clearing work, I went through the first powerful ego-death experience, followed by a spontaneous mystical initiation. Shortly thereafter, I started to experience the symptoms of a full-blown kundalini awakening. Since then, I have been learning about this divine mystical process, and navigating incredible states of altered consciousness, mystical events, as well as very intense and challenging periods of healing. I’ve also encountered multiple twin flames, studied sacred sexuality (across the various traditions), and learned a great deal about the spiritual principles governing those dynamics.
Over the past three years, I’ve been undergoing a profound purification process (both very very painful and scary), in the depths of a horrific unrelenting darkness. Metaphorically, I’ve been taken on a mystical tour, across continents, cultures, dimensions, and throughout time. I’ve been trained in the experiential cultivation of faith, courage, and virtue. I’ve been groomed, and then severely tried and tested, in authentic spiritual warriorship. I’ve endured unimaginable destructions, afflictions, temptations, and purgations. I have experienced and cleared the soul-level trauma of innumerable past lives (hundreds of them). And reluctantly, with great trepidation, I learned how to navigate the realms of severe darkness, terror, and the practical eradication of desire, along with the other subtle passions.
There are many poetic descriptions of this process, but I have no beautiful mystical metaphors to offer here. Those who actually experience these things are not especially tolerant of lofty empty (sometimes incorrect) words from the sidelines. The truth is that basically, I haven’t stopped crying in three years. It’s kind of amazing that my eyes haven’t fallen out of my head, really! You know how in the Psalms, David (the purported author) says that his bed and couch are drenched in tears? That’s a real thing. Everything is drenched in tears.
I’ve been functionally and physically disabled for the duration of this process, often unable to get out of bed for days. Don’t ask about the day-to-day stuff of it, because it’s been nothing short of horrific. I’ve learned to take most of it in stride now, since I derive a great deal of meaning and purpose from this work, but it’s been objectively catastrophically awful. I have traversed a great deal of terrifying and unbearable psychological conditions. And not a day has gone by without physical, psychological, and intense emotional turmoil.
(I don’t think I need to say this, but I wouldn’t recommend any of this to anyone. If someone offers to awaken your kundalini – just say no! I mean, of course, say yes, because it’s the greatest spiritual blessing imaginable, it’s just also tremendously destructive and terrifyingly painful.)
The good news is that I’ve found my way (with lots of divine guidance) through all of it, and have some new healing modalities and discoveries to share. The bad news is… well, I’ve already told you the bad news.
Currently, I live a monastic lifestyle, continuing to dedicate all of my waking hours (and sometimes sleeping hours) to mystical work. It appears I’m not quite finished yet with the darkness, but almost. It is a very slow, difficult, complicated, and tedious ascension from hell.
When I’m able, I dedicate my free time to working with others undergoing this process. Combining all of the teachings, traditions, experiences, and wisdom I’ve received (from teachers, as well as through realization, revelation, and my own development work), I help others understand what’s happening to them. By offering the mystical frameworks and spiritual context, they are able find their bearings and make grounded sense of their experiences. I also teach the mystical tools and practices that help navigate these waters, so that with courage and surrender, they can lean into the process, and by moving in concert with it, unnecessary suffering can be avoided. If you or someone you know might be interested in working with me, please read through the kundalini tabs in the menu bar for more information.
Otherwise, thank you for visiting and reading. If you wish to contact me directly, my email address is firstname.lastname@example.org.