Givers and takers

 

If you are a giving sacrificing person, being in a relationship with a taker can be extremely difficult and draining.

Takers don’t know that they’re takers, and they don’t have self-imposed limits. They take would any sense of guilt. They don’t feel bad about continuously taking and then demanding even more.

That means it’s the givers who need to learn how to set boundaries and say “no” without guilt.

Often times, we are so used to being mistreated that it can be hard to recognize what’s really happening – our minds have trouble distinguishing fault, blame, and proper relational obligations. We’ve been conditioned to give and sacrifice our own needs for others, and going against those deeply held beliefs, saying no, creates lots of guilty feelings, and concerns about selfishness.

I like this list of behaviors as a good starting place to identify who the takers are, and where firm boundaries are most needed.

25 Warning Signals That You’re Dealing With a TAKER
Dr. Mark Goulston

1. They act entitled to whatever they’re taking from you.
2. They treat you as an extension of themselves.
3. When they hurt or disappoint you they don’t experience guilt, shame or remorse.
4. They won’t apologize to you, but will expect you to apologize to them.
5. Their wish is your command, and if you don’t comply, you don’t love them.
6. They believe their problems are someone else’s fault.
7. They believe that you and everyone else are in this world to make them happy.
8. When you give to them, they don’t feel compelled to say thank you or be grateful.
9. If they feel taken from by you, they become outraged and entitled to become enraged.
10. They don’t regret taking from you, but they regret not taking even more from you.
11. They need to have the last word in conversations.
12. They don’t take turns well.
13. They are impatient and hate to wait.
14. They interrupt or butt into conversations.
15. They act as if they are always right.
16. They act as if they are never wrong.
17. When they’re frustrated, they feel justified in doing anything to make themselves feel better.
18. They won’t tell you specifically what you are doing is wrong or ask you directly for what they need— they expect you to read their minds.
19. They are stubborn and you may confuse their stubbornness for strength and be attracted to them because of it.
20. They aren’t motivated to know, care or do anything unless it gets them something.
21. They are quick to ridicule or laugh at others, but have little ability to laugh at themselves or tolerate being laughed at.
22. They either cannot or will not put themselves in another person’s shoes.
23. They hold everyone else accountable, but evade being held accountable.
24. They talk much more than they listen.
25. They’ll expect a second, third and fourth chance from you when they hurt you; but they won’t give you a second chance when you hurt them.