I’ve posted about the spiritual work around sex before; somewhere in the blog posts is a write up of the abstract philosophical view and healing strategy connected with wounding and desire.
But I get lots of individual questions about the practicalities, so I wanted to offer a bit of general grounded guidance.
I’ve spent many years studying and practicing a variety of sacred sexuality traditions. The universal truths among all of them is:
(1) pleasure (shame-free) is a good and necessary thing, and
(2) sex belongs in the body, not in the mind.
Both of those ideas are easier said than done… of course.
Everything we’ve been taught about sex is that it’s shameful, laden with layers and layers of taboos, prohibitions, and judgments. And everything we’ve learned about the doing of sex (alone or with a partner) is also wrong, because it always involves awareness leaving the body.
Our habits of doing sex need a bit of an upgrade.
Without getting into the philosophical muck or the varying belief systems: there is, thankfully, a modern middle way approach that cuts through all of this called “sensate focus,” which captures the two basic principles.
It’s a technique that was developed (or rediscovered) by sex therapists some decades ago in the West. You can google it to learn more, but the gist of it is that it completely changes the perspective and expectations (and experience) of sexuality – both alone and with a partner. Its aim is to move sex and pleasure into the body, where it belongs!
Putting sex back in the body means changing the mental focus, the attention, shifting out of the mind, out of fantasy, away from the visual stimulus (and objectification), away from the rush to orgasm, and into the present moment of bodily sensations.
What that means, is that we have to actually embody our bodies, feel our feelings, and focus our attention on the physical sensations – in order to re-learn what feels good and what doesn’t, and maximize actual physical pleasure. It is a kind of sex-mindfulness or meditation. It is very slow, and it requires a bit of relearning and re-sensitizing of the body and genitals.
This is what kundalini keeps pointing us to when it comes to sex. I get lots of private messages about this, asking about the negative symptoms connected with sexual experiences. Kundalini keeps letting us know that the way we are going about sex is not in alignment with spiritual principles. The answer to the symptoms is almost always – “refocus your attention in your body, and not in your mind.” Kundalini is pushing us to come into alignment with these two basic universal approaches in sacred sexuality.
Everyone I talk to hates this when they first hear it, because it feels impossible and boring to stop fantasizing, or watching porn, or your partner’s body parts, or whatever. I get it. This isn’t another system of oppression or deprivation, but the opposite. With a little time and practice this other way leads to much more satisfaction and pleasure, without the shame hangover.
First, it diminishes the negative kundalini symptoms. Second, it makes sexual experiences better, more pleasurable, less stressful, and less harmful to spirit. Third, it offers us incredible healing opportunities and real connection with our own selves and partners. And fourth, it offers expansions of consciousness by clearing out all the blocks leading to a healthy sexuality.
If you are experiencing any unpleasant symptoms during or after sexual experiences, I would urge you to look into making this shift, beginning with sensate focus.